The Peace Snake

The cult of the talking snake began in the town

of Abonoteichus around the year 150 CE, shortly

after the Bar Kochba revolt. Located on the

Mediterranean coast of what is now Turkey,

the town was in fact a Greek settlement
under Roman rule that practiced paganism.

One day workers in the local temple discovered

some strange bronze tablets there proclaiming
the imminent arrival of a divine healer named

Asclepius, supposedly the
son of Apollo. Locals quickly erected a new temple

to honor the guest from heaven.
And just as the temple was being completed, a

strange egg was discovered in its earthworks.

When cracked open, a baby snake emerged. A man
named Alexander then proclaimed that this snake

was the expected "god" and that he himself was its oracle.

Within days, the baby snake transformed itself

miraculously into a giant one, much larger than a python.
It revealed secrets and prophesies to its oracle,

Alexander, spoken conveniently in the local Greek dialect.

People from all over the Roman empire - including
dignitaries from Rome - came to hear the prophecies.

Many brought the oracle Alexander valuable gifts.

A single prediction of the future or message of

advice from the snake would cost the supplicant

the equivalent of a day's wages, and the snake
could provide a hundred of these on any working
day. Husbands, hearing the snake's advice
to turn their wives over to Alexander as

concubines, did so.

As it turned out, the entire snake cult was nothing

more than a pagan predecessor to the movie classic

"The Wizard of Oz."

The snake had been created out of papier maché,

with a speaking tube inside its head constructed

from wind pipes of large birds, connecting
to a room behind the wall.
The snake had levers that could make its head
move and stick out its tongue. Alexander would

operate it all from the next room, much like the

humbug wizard pulling the levers
behind the curtain to fool Dorothy and her friends.

The original bronze tablets with the prophecy
had been placed there by Alexander, who had also
hidden the baby snake inside an ostrich egg glued back
together.

Alexander ran his scam for many years, until he
died at the age of 70 and his tricks were uncovered.

The cult of the snake was strongly denounced

by Greek Epicureans and by some early Christian
writers in the Roman Empire.

But whatever became of the pagan snake itself, the
collection of moving paper maché parts that led astray
tens of thousands of people? After exhaustive research, we
have discovered the answer.

Many centuries after the death of
Alexander of Abonoteichus, his snake reappeared,

but under a new name.
In the late twentieth century the talking snake with

the levers and the speaking tubes made a new

grand appearance.

"My name is Peace," it proclaimed.

"All who desire peace must come and hear my

pronouncements, then follow my commands

and obey my oracles."

With its tongue flicking in and out, the sounds

emerging from its speaking tubes were no longer

Greek, but modern Hebrew. The Peace Snake

from the New Middle East first emerged as a

baby from an ostrich egg discovered in a Norwegian

fjord by left-wing Israeli academics, meeting in

Oslo with representatives of the PLO.

Smuggled back to Israel, the miraculous baby

snake was displayed to Shimon Peres by Peres's

loyal apostle, Yossi Beilin. Then, right before their

eyes, the snake underwent a metamorphosis,

turning into a giant python, several times larger

than any seen before.

"The Peace Messiah has arrived in the form of a giant

talking snake," Peres happily announced to then-

prime minister Yitzhak Rabin. "All we need to do

is follow its instructions."

"And what might those be?" asked a skeptical Rabin.

"Just obey it. One must not argue with such a

divine creature," insisted Peres. "First, it wants

Israel to announce that it accepts the existence

of a 'Palestinian people,' recognizes their right

to their own state, and agrees to recognize the

PLO as its national leadership. Next, Israel must

allow Palestinian terrorists from all over the world

to enter the West Bank and the Gaza Strip, arm

themselves, set up militias in the suburbs of Tel

Aviv and Jerusalem, and impose their sovereignty

upon the Arabs there. Then Israel must evict all

Jews living in the Gaza Strip and promise to do

the same with the Jews living in Judea and Samaria.

Finally, Israel must bankroll the PLO terrorists

and provide them with weapons."

"The public will never accept this," objected Rabin.

"Ah but you are wrong," replied Peres.

"We will simply show them the talking snake head,

proclaiming in Hebrew the emergence of a peaceful

New Middle East. The snake head is charming and

comforting. The people will believe in its pagan magic."

Rabin was finally sold on the idea.

"Behold the magic snake," proclaimed Peres to the

nation. The snake urged listeners to accept Peres

as its prophet and obey its divinations, as whispered

into Peres's ear. No one seemed to notice that whenever

the snake would speak Hebrew, it was in Peres's

Polish accent. Strangely, the snake head spoke no

Arabic at all.

After Rabin was assassinated by a non-believer in

the snake, it became all but impossible to denounce

the serpent as a sham. Snake doubters were rounded

up and indicted for incitement. The media fell into

line and broadcast and published the snake's epistles.

Virtually no time or space was allowed for rebuttals

from anti-snake dissidents.

The demands of the snake kept escalating.

Its message was essentially the same:

"The highest form of courage is cowardice," it hissed.

"Capitulation is the highest for of victory. Weakness is

the highest form of strength. National self-debasement i

s the highest form of patriotism. Terrorism must

be rewarded. The best way to end war is to pretend

it does not exist."

Since then, Peres has been replaced as the snake's

chief oracle by Ehud Olmert and Ehud Barak.

Audiences stand before it with mouths agape as

it hisses through its speaking tubes:

"There is no military solution to the problems

of terrorism. Erecting a Palestinian state is the

best assurance for the achievement of Zionist goals.

Talk with Hamas. Negotiate with Hizbullah."

And all the while, the Israeli humbugs of defeat

pull the levers that make the serpent writhe

and speak, while the media proclaim the miracle

of the talking snake's peace.

Steven Plaut